In honor of me turning 30, I’m compiling 30 different top-30 lists on a wide variety of topics ranging from trivial interests of mine to meaningful life moments. Read the introductory post for more background information on my 30 at 30 project. Reminder: there is no scientific rationale for these lists. They were composed by a panel of one—me.
When I began this project a little over a decade ago, I was still a twentysomething. As I put the finishing touches on this 30th and final list I am one day away from turning 40. I’ve lived a lot of life this decade. I’ve experienced some profoundly joyful highs and some deeply painful lows. For my final list, I’d like to take some of what I’ve learned over the past decade and look forward (or “40rward” because I am licensed to make dad jokes like that) to the decade ahead. Here’s what I’m taking with me into the next decade of life:
30. Acceptance that not every goal will be achieved
Ten years ago, I made a list of 30 Things I Want to Do in My 30s. There are several things I have not yet crossed off on that list. Some of them remain life goals. Others, I feel OK to leave them unaccomplished. I think I knew it was a lofty list when I first wrote it, and I’m proud to say I accomplished a lot of the things listed there and grew in numerous ways in areas related to the goals I dreamed up a decade ago.
29. Concern about wasting too much time scrolling on my phone
Addiction feels too strong here, but I am guilty of overuse. I don’t know if I will be able to kick the mindless scrolling habit the way I did biting my nails last decade, but it is something I want to work on.
28. A few more aches and pains than I care to carry with me
I need to be better about preventative health in my 40s. Developing a daily stretching routine is one idea I am hoping to implement. I’ve been blessed never to need surgery through 40 years of life. Still, I don’t want to take my health for granted and coast on the merits of having pretty good genetics.
27. Intrigue about the future of AI
I was talking with my students about ChatGPT in class the other day. We talked about how this feels like an earthquake moment shaking up the education industry. The rise of artificial intelligence is compelling educators to rethink the way they teach and assess writing. I think it’s a great opportunity to rethink a lot of what we do in education that is rooted in outdated practices. My hope is that the education community will find ways to shift to a model of schooling that promotes student learning rather than a box-checking “doing school” model that turns so many young people from curious, question-asking would-be learners into compliant, zombie-like task-completers.
26. Questions about my next chapter of physical fitness
I haven’t had a gym membership since we dropped our family YMCA membership during COVID. I haven’t been a regular runner since about that time, too. Up until about a year or so ago I was playing basketball on a weekly basis, but that group lost access to a court and then lost touch with one another. So I need to make a move and make a plan to exercise consistently.
25. A new perception of age
My dad had a big party when he turned 40. Because of this, 40 is the first age when I’m thinking, “I remember when my dad was that age.” Now turning 40 myself, it’s… strange. When my dad turned 40, he seemed old. Now that I’m turning 40, 40 doesn’t feel that old anymore. I know it’s all a matter of perspective, but I don’t “feel 40.” Turning 30 felt like a major milestone, one that really had me in my feelings to the point where I felt compelled to launch this whole 30 at 30 project to commemorate it. Turning 40 also feels significant, but I feel more chill and equipped to handle it.
24. A renewed belief in the importance of play
“All work and no play makes [Matt] a dull boy” has always rung true for me. Being a dad is one great way to feed my inner child. Whether it’s playing in the backyard with the kids, participating in my weekly bowling league, or playing board games, I think it’s imperative as an adult to continue to make time to play and have fun.
23. More unknowns than I expected
One of the funny things about “growing up” is realizing that grown-ups don’t actually have it all figured out either. When you’re a kid, you have this false notion that adults have all the answers and have figured out life, probably because they’re giving you all kinds of rules and ideas about how you should live yours. Then you become a grown up yourself and realize, “Oh, whoa, we’re all just making it up as we go, huh?” Sometimes the unknowns are exhilarating, and other times they are overwhelming, but I think as I turn 40 I’m learning to loosen my grip on needing to control everything and embracing the idea that there will always be unknowns in life.
22. An understanding that few things in life are black and white but rather shades of gray
As humans, we like to oversimplify for convenience, but the reality is life is complex. Issues are rarely cut and dry, this or that. I think we need to be better at understanding nuance, understanding context, and working to see the bigger picture.
21. A greater willingness to ask questions
This is a growing edge for me. I often resort to keeping to myself, but I’ve had a few instances to lean into conversations and ask thoughtful, well-crafted questions. I worry I sometimes come off as not caring or not being interested in someone/something when I don’t ask questions, but that’s usually not the case. I have a tendency to enter into a conversation with a (false?) assumption that if someone wants to tell me about something, they will volunteer that information unprompted. I hope to continue to get better about asking thoughtful questions to encourage meaningful dialogue.
20. Surprise that I get more of my sports analysis from podcasts than TV
30-year-old me would be SHOCKED that I don’t watch SportsCenter anymore with the exception of right after a big game. Highlights and scores are now consumed almost entirely online or on my phone. When it comes to analysis, I choose podcasts over TV every time, again with the exception of the immediate aftermath of a big game. From The Bill Simmons Podcast to the Laker Film Room Podcast, podcasts are my choice for regular analysis and entertainment.
19. A belief that, when done well, professional wrestling is the best storytelling vehicle in the world
I anticipate the non-wrestling fan’s response, “You know it’s fake though, right?” Yes, I do know that. So is every Hollywood movie and TV show. Those are fake, too. Stop using that as an excuse to not give wrestling its due. Pro wrestling has something for everyone: athleticism, drama, humor, romance, suspense. From the pageantry of the costuming to the choreography of the entrances to the rhetorical command on the microphone to the physicality of the in-ring action to the charisma with the fans live in the arena, there is nothing quite like it!
18. A passion for inclusion
In education and in life, we need to be aware of and attentive to the needs of all learners and all people. I strive to recognize and celebrate differences and also to acknowledge the reality of people’s lived experiences. I know I don’t get it right every time, but I continue to work to educate myself and be a better, more inclusive-minded person in all aspects of life.
17. More openness to living beyond my comfort zone
I like this concept of the learning zone. According to the website Mind Tools, “[The Learning Zone Model] demonstrates how, in order to learn successfully, we must be challenged. But the balance needs to be just right: if we’re not pushed hard enough, we’re unlikely to step out of our Comfort Zone; but if we’re pushed too hard, we start to panic and feel overwhelmed. In both cases, learning is restricted. Instead, we need to aim for the ‘sweet spot’ that is the Learning Zone.” I talk about this with my students and try to practice what I preach.
16. Continued focus on cultivating lifelong learners
Along those same lines, I work to cultivate a culture of learning in my classroom that challenges students to think beyond a number or letter in the gradebook and to appreciate the entire learning process. I start every school year with a mini lesson on metacognition, which any student of mine should be able to define as “thinking about thinking,” and I try to foster reflective students who care not only about what they learn but also think about how and why they learn.
15. Recognition that some learning is unlearning
Not everything we learn growing up serves us as adults. Sometimes new discoveries are made that force us to learn new truths. Sometimes new information is unearthed that runs counter to previously held beliefs, and we have to decide if we are open-minded enough to admit we had it wrong rather than stubbornly sticking with an outdated thought simply because “that’s the way it’s always been.” Sometimes we learn unhelpful habits and behaviors that we need to work to rid from ourselves.
14. A growing belief that my voice matters
I had a boss who used to say, “When [Matt] speaks, I know it’s important.” It was said and received as a compliment because I had/have a tendency to keep to myself in meetings unless I felt/feel something was/is urgent. However, it also meant I stayed silent a lot of times when my voice probably could have contributed something good to the conversation. I have gotten better in this area, but I still have room to grow in terms of learning to lean in to use my voice more often to weigh in with my thoughts, ideas, and opinions.
13. Hope to make more time to be creative
With the 30 at 30 project officially coming to a close with the publication of this writing, I hope to find new, fun, creative outlets in my 40s whether it’s writing poetry, writing more longform pieces, creating more mix CDs and playlists, or other personal projects. I am my best self when I carve out time to be a creator rather than a consumer of content.
12. A better understanding of myself
Self-discovery was a big part of my 30s. I enjoy tools like the personality test from 16personalities.com (I’m an INFJ – The Advocate) and the Ennegram (I’m Type Nine – The Peacemaker). While understanding that there are some generalizations within each category and that each individual may vary from the type in some small ways, understanding myself through these lens has helped me grow a lot. Knowing more about how I am wired and how I tend to move and operate in the world helps me be able to be a better me in small and big ways. One of my favorite musical artists, Sleeping At Last, including a song for each of the nine Enneagram types on his Atlast II collection. His song “Nine” has become one of my favorite songs with lyrics that make me feel all the feels. It’s also cool to note that he, like me, is an Enneagram Type Nine himself.
11. A desire to be my most authentic self
Along those same lines, knowing myself helps me make choices that move me in the direction toward being the best version of me, my most authentic self. This is easier in some circumstances than others, but I am learning to prioritize spaces and relationships that naturally provide the safety and support needed to be unapologetically me.
10. A deep appreciation for therapy (and therapists)
I started going to therapy a little over a year ago, and it’s one of the best decisions I ever made for my mental health. I used to have a lot of misconceived notions that only certain types of people should go to therapy. I had a lot of negative stigmas attached to the idea of therapy. I am grateful to the friends and loved ones who helped normalize therapy as a positive thing, as an investment in one’s mental health. I understand that for some people therapy is cost-prohibitive; I wish it were freely available to all who want it. I recognize my privilege in having healthcare and the supports in place to be able to go to regular therapy appointments, and I am very grateful.
9. A need for open, direct, honest communication
I want to prioritize open, direct, honest communication in my relationships. This is easier said than done. However, I am working to be better to avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy communication patterns from my past as a passive or passive-aggressive communicator. There is a lot of room for growth, but I am proud of my progress and encouraged that I am on the right path to being a better communicator.
8. Gratitude for parents/grandparents
When Jessie and I chose to put down roots and start a family in Erie, a large factor in that decision was our desire for our kids to know our parents. We wanted our children to have meaningful relationships with their grandparents and to actively be in each other’s lives, and we are blessed with parents who wanted that, too. We are staunch believers in the “it takes a village” philosophy of raising children. Our journey of parenthood has been supported by an incredible loving community that starts with the kids’ grandparents. We are fortunate to have four grandparents (plus one great grandparent!) in town who see the kids frequently. It has been a great source of joy over the years to see how much our kids love their grandparents and vice versa.
7. A preference for pursuing joy rather than happiness
Embark Behavioral Health says, “Happiness is typically a more fleeting emotion, often sparked by a particular moment or event that brings a sense of excitement or exhilaration. Joy, on the other hand, is a more long-lasting state of being, characterized by contentment and satisfaction with life overall.” The embedded video below from Embark offers a concise explanation of the difference between joy and happiness and helps illustrate why I emphasize pursuing joy in my life. I had an epiphany a few years ago when I realized the distinction and started prioritizing a pursuit of joy rather than happiness in my life.
6. A music collection that now includes vinyl and CDs
I think I got my first CDs in 7th grade when I convinced my parents to let me join one of those 12 CDs for a penny CD clubs that would send a monthly mailer. Nowadays with Spotify, Apple Music, and other streaming music services available, the allure of collecting is not the same as it once was, but I still love having physical media. A few years ago, my dad and Jessie’s mom donated their respective vinyl record collections, so we now have a sizable vinyl collection to go along with the more than 1,000 CDs I have purchased over the years. I do not buy CDs or records as frequently as I once did, but I continue to add new and old albums to the collection when something strikes me.
5. Understanding that going to the concert is (almost) always the right choice
Few things in life bring me more joy than a live music experience. I have been fortunate enough to see my favorite band Counting Crows in concert 10 times. I’ve seen 13 of the 30 musical artists / bands that made my 30 at 30 list. Concert tickets are expensive, and seeing the bigger acts usually means traveling, finding childcare, etc. (Someday in the not too distant future, I hope to be able to take the kids with me to see a concert, as they are all music fans themselves). Nonetheless, the hassle is almost always overshadowed by the live music experience, and I look forward to seeing more shows in my 40s.
4. A new perspective on watching sports
I am a passionate fan, a diehard supporter of my teams, namely the Los Angeles Lakers, Las Vegas Raiders, and Michigan Wolverines. I’ve experienced the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat time and time again and keep coming back for more season after season. In recent years though, I’ve come to appreciate watching sports through a new lens as a dad. It started when I noticed my boys taking on some of my… umm… less desirable traits as a sports fan, namely yelling at the TV and complaining when things did not go well for our team. Seeing my behavior mirrored back to me in a miniature version of me was quite humbling. I’ve worked hard the past year or two to watch my teams’ games with a more lighthearted, positive outlook. While I do think there is some space for watching sports to be a healthy place to let out some anger, I also want to model good sportsmanship for my kids. Inevitably the Lakers, Wolverines, and (let’s be honest) especially the Raiders will come up short and let me down, and I will (over?)react in a way I am not proud of. That said, watching sports with my kids is one of my favorite things to do, and I want it to be a memory they have positive associations with as they grow up.
3. An improved spirit of reflection
A couple of years ago I started journaling, something I had not done in a regular way since I was in high school/college. I have quick once-a-day-recap journal and a longer form journal, which I am more inconsistent about writing in. I know that I am the best version of myself when I make time to journal and be reflective in a regular way. I hope to continue to journal and make space in my day to be reflective amid the busyness.
2. Awe for the journey that is parenthood
When I found out I was going to be a dad, I wrote a list of parental promises. Then 30 days after my first child was born, I wrote a list of what I learned in my first 30 days as a parent. A lot of time has passed since then. That baby I wrote about in those articles turns 9 in November and is currently in 3rd grade. Plus, I have two other kids, a 6-year-old in kindergarten, and a 3-year-old getting ready to start preschool next week! There is nothing like being a parent. It is a job for which there is no instruction manual, yet everyone wants to offer advice on how to do it. The truth is we are all figuring it out as we go. We will inevitably fall short in some areas and make mistakes we wish we could take back. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. The journey is winding and does not even come with a roadmap, which can be sometimes terrifying for someone like me who prefers a GPS with the exact details and where I’m going and step-by-step directions of how to get there. But I know parenting doesn’t work that way, and I’ve learned to embrace that. What I do know is I love my kids, and I try my best to be a good dad every day. I’m proud to be a coparent with Jessie, who is an awesome tag team partner in parenting, and I’m proud to be Dad for Ben, Max, and Rosie.
1. An enhanced capacity to love and be love in the world
The world needs more love. More than anything else in life, I want to be remembered by loved ones—the people most important to me in my life—as someone who loved them well. There is no greater challenge and responsibility than to love others well. I feel honored to face this challenge and take on this responsibility for my loved ones every day,
I have lived a blessed life. I have had an abundance of love showered upon me from a young age, and I am incredibly grateful. As much as I love being loved, I know I am called also to be love for others in small and profound ways. I am far from perfect. There are times when I am selfish and fall short of showing up for loved ones in the ways they deserve. However, I also believe I am so much better at love than I was a decade ago. There is nothing I am more proud of from my 30s than growing my capacity to love, particularly as a partner and as a father.
Becoming a dad three times over in the past decade taught me that love is not a zero-sum game. While it is true there are only so many hours in a day and only one of me, I believe I am capable of loving all three children completely. Again, that also doesn’t mean I always get it right, but that mindset shift about my capacity to love has been a game-changer for me: I am capable of loving more than I realized.
The idea that God is love has always resonated with me. My middle name is Thomas, and I have my share of doubts and questions when it comes to faith, religion, and theology, but I have never doubted God is love, nor have I doubted the presence of God’s love in my life. In my experience, nothing brings me closer to God than loving and being loved by others. For the past 10 years, my 30 at 30 project has allowed me to look inward and showcase how much I know and love myself. As I begin my 40s, I strive to reflect that love outward and put love at the center of everything I do, especially in my most precious relationships.