“Jessie” By Matt Hubert © 2007

He wears the same thing to work every day,
a non-smile—
not quite a frown or a scowl or a grimace.
It intrigues me
and it shields him
from the cruel, cold, untrusting
world he supposes surrounds him.
I duel with his pessimism daily.
His cycle of cynical, sarcastic remarks
is hard to break,
but I break it and him,
occasionally,
with a smile—sometimes returned,
but quickly replaced.

Tonight, I plan on being spontaneous.
Maybe as we walk and talk,
or perhaps at night’s end, heart beating fast—
that’s when I’ll blur the line
I drew for him
between friendship and romance.
In a Hollywood moment—I’ll know it
when I’m in it—I’ll teach him of
two part harmony
and happiness,
and lead him not into confusion,
but deliver him what I feel.
Oh man,
I hope he still has hopes
it’ll happen at last.

I guess I broke up with him
again, but I had no intention
of breaking him when I called.
All I wanted was a break—
a hiatus, some time to stabilize
my life back at school for a
new year with a new roommate,
new classes, and new fears
about one relationship
rapidly rendering it all
so impossible.
For him to understand:
he can fight for us
and against me all night
without ever winning
me back. Because I never left.
Arguments, tears, biting sarcasm.
We reconcile. Still, I feel broken,
but not apart from him—
so committed to help me find my fix
the way he says I helped find his.

He hates snow; winter
is one of my favorite seasons—
he calls it basketball season.
I love coffee; he claims
it makes him gag—so he drinks
big tall glasses of 2% “melk.”
Neither one of us knows
what this summer holds,
but he graduates in May.
And every day we stay together
something in him asks “forever?”
Yet the question is avoided,
downplayed, laughed away.

I know it’s first comes love,
then comes marriage,
but when does then comes…
come? How would I know?
I’m scared, yes—maybe
in a good way. Scared to
make my own smile
a permanent lifestyle now.
Yet smiling about it
in spite of myself
like a fairytale princess
who still dreams
of Prince Charming.
Alarmed that my reality
may be as serious as it seems.
Too young to rush.
Too young to hurry up,
but old enough to worry
about relationship stuff.